Yes, folks, it’s true. My last name—LEVINSON—is Jewish, in fact. The question, however, rarely comes up, or if it does, it’s usually to play Jewish Geography. But a couple of weeks ago, while house window-shopping, I stopped before this adorable house in the Monte Vista section of San Antonio, Texas, and called the number listed on the For-Sale sign. *Linda told me the specs of the house, then told me the price, which made me laugh, because I had no idea houses were going for that kind of money in SATX. $395,000? Are you f’ing kidding me? Them’s Austin prices, not SA, I told her, and she laughed as well.
We had a good chat. I gave her my email addy and she said she’d shoot me some listings that were more affordable. In the meantime, I drove around, as I’m wont to do, and came upon this stunning house a few streets over, in a shabbier neighborhood. I called the number on the sign again but this time I got the builder, not a realtor. He said the house was selling for $250,000. Again, I was shocked. In SATX? Are you out of your mind?
When Linda called me later, I told her about the house. She ran some numbers and said that the price-per-sq.ft was awfully high. And that’s when I became my old New Yorker self and said that I was sick of dealing with sharks and that the reason I hadn’t found anything to buy was because realtors and the like were bottom-feeding and greedy so-and-so’s. I said it jokingly but Linda took great offense.
Your last name. It’s Jewish, right?
Yeah. So what?
Well, I’m a Christian, she said. And real estate is my calling and I’d appreciate it if you didn’t insult my calling. You’re an author? Well, we’re pretty much the same. And I should have known that you were Jewish because Jews don’t trust anyone.
Yeah. She actually said that. And so I’ve been stringing her along, making her meet me at houses that I’ll never buy and then not showing up or canceling on her at the last minute. Because, well, as she said, this is is her calling and I keep calling her and calling her but she really just doesn’t get it.
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